Thursday, July 3, 2008

welcome to the NBA

So it's official. Clay Bennett is finally getting his newly-purchased Seattle Supersonics to move to Oklahoma City. As part of the settlement Seattle gets to keep both the team name and the team colors. So Mr. Bennett now has to scramble to create a new team name, team logo, choose team colors, and find a new mascot, all before the beginning of the season.

Since he'll have to rush, I've decided to help out with some inspiration.

1. As you drive infamous I-35 through OKC you'll notice an over-abundance of strip clubs. Hence forth, the first choice for team name should be the Oklahoma Sleazeballs. (This name could also be inspired by the way Bennett procured the team). Team uniforms should be 1970's Orange and Brown. The team mascot should be Leisure Suit Larry.

2. Oklahoma City is also one of the most likely places in the world to get 86'ed by a tornado. Only in Oklahoma they don't really call it a Tornado. It sounds more like "Ternaduh." So the second choice would be the Oke City Ternaduhs. The colors should be the nasty yellow the sky turns right before one hits, and gray. The mascot could really be any animal, as long as it is suspended from the ceiling of the Ford Center and spun around perpetually.

3. OKC went crazy over their recent opportunity to host Chris Paul and the New Orleans Hornets for a brief stint. They went so crazy that I heard a few OKC residents griping about how appauling they thought it was that the Hornets went back to New Orleans. Apparently a select few thought the best thing for the Hornets to do would be to kick their home city's residents while they were down. For these people, I have been inspired to name the team the Oklahoma Gooch, inspired by the kid who bullied Arnold on Different Strokes. Any colors would do, but personally I'd like to see the combination of purple and orange.

4. One thing I learned during my years in Oklahoma is that Democrats are relatively unwelcome. True, they do have a Democrat governor. But one thing you can know for certain is that Oklahoma's electoral votes will always be Republican. It might as well be an annex of Texas. For this reason, the fourth choice would naturally be, the Oklahoma Grand Ol' Team. Their colors would be 2 different shades of red. Their mascot would naturally be an elephant. And their logo would look like this.

5. Oklahoma City is basically equidistant from 2 major Universities...OU and Oklahoma State. Yet if you read the newspaper there or watch television you'll only hear one thing, that same old nonsensical phrase "Boomer Sooner." For this reason the new team would be named the Oklahoma Sooners. They would choose not to play in the Ford Center but would instead choose the cruddy old Lloyd Noble Arena. The colors would be crimson and cream. And the mascot would be a white horse with a pink mane. OU would officially drop the student team and add the pro team to their athletic department, and the NCAA would not care.

So there you go, Mr. Bennett. Hope this helps.

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